Written by Nick Hobbs
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Tuesday, 12 July 2011

image for Discovery Unlocks Mystery Of Elvis And The Monkeys
Depression sets in after hearing about the lack of dance skills inherent in it's species.

In a fascinating scientific study conducted over the past three years across three continents, scientists have proved beyond all doubt that monkeys and apes will never be able to impersonate Elvis.

They have been found to lack a crucial piece of the puzzle, that for years, has surrounded the mystery of what made Elvis as popular as he was.

"Every primate, be he Pygmy Marmoset or Chimpanzee, lacks the groove-bone," said Professor Saki Blondesworth, of the 'Institute Of Looking At Things Closely Whilst Scratching Ones Chin' "he lacks that integral piece of biological engineering that separates humble man from gyrating rock behemoth."

The groove-bone, or Gyratus Maxus Hardonicae to give it it's Latin name, was discovered to be missing in all simian species across the world.

"We dressed a cute little Spider Monkey up in a rhinestone jump-suit and sunglasses," continued the good Professor, "we even had a team of Hollywood hair stylists in, and they did a sterling job in getting it's quiff just right, but as soon as the lights went down and the music started, the darned little critter hot-footed it away and was more interested in some peanuts it found at the bar!"

The groove-bone can grow to various sizes in humans, and has been known about for some time. It is at it's most active in the late teens to late twenties, but some have been known to continue well in to the forties. It can lay dormant in many people, prompting the well known saying 'they have no rhythm', or 'they were dancing like a frog in a blender.' However, in others, such as Elvis, a hyperactive groove-bone is prevalent, resulting in worldwide stardom and much critical acclaim.

As the years pass the groove-bone shrinks in size, and the resulting refrain 'he dances like his Dad' can be heard at weddings and parties across the world, for without the groove-bone we are no different from the apes.

Recent 'You Tube' videos of a band of Irish Riverdance Chimps is said to be faked. They were clearly all pinned to a pivotal tube through their shoulders and electrified, to produce the required 'jigging' motion.

Justin Timberlake is just epileptic.

In other news: Larry the dapple-grey mare finally gave up his two day standoff and sipped some water from the creek. After refusing to drink, whilst being prompted to take some water at gunpoint by his owner Colin, Larry could hold-out no more.

Family and friends were said to be 'over the moon' that things had reached a peaceful conclusion.

I guess you can lead a horse to water and make it drink!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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