Written by Neil Levine
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Tuesday, 5 July 2005

image for Theresa Heinz Kerry Knows What Universe Is Made From
THERESA HEINZ'S SOLUTION

Theresa Heinz Kerry, in a brazen effort to jump start her husband's yet to be announced 2008 election plans, politicians constantly rotating in perpetual orbit around their offices, announced today she has discovered exactly what the universe is made of: "Sugar and spice and everything nice."


"I discovered the recipe in an old hand me down cook book that my mother once used to cure her uncommon cold." "Chicken soup with plenty of zest," she said her mother told her, "With big balls, gargantuan globs of matzoh meal, with lots of chicken fat, if possible and some tlc. Of course, you can't forget the chicken."


"A smidgen of this, a dash of that. Before you know it, you've got a full blown cure. You're even ready to kick off your mules and get down to boogy all night. It's that good!"


"As we all know, the world was created in seven grueling days of intense work and after that just went on orbiting the sun in an elliptical pattern that goes on and on my friend. Even if you think the universe started with a bang and not a whimper you have to appreciate that such basic items as ketchup, relish, mustard, sauerkraut, onions, kaiser rolls and all those other wonderful 57 varieties are necessary for a Sunday barbeque or some other relaxing occasion."


"John, my hubby bubby, who as we all know will rise like good bread to the top, subscribes to the theory that all you need is love and a good salad. His taste runs the gamut from ranch, caesar, cobb, walnut, to potato and lyonnaise, with or without dressing, sometimes with croutons, sometimes without."


"Add a cold Coke on a hot night and you can watch time fly."


"He especially likes to man the grill and holds on to the kebab spit with an unrelenting grip. You should see him toss the salad fork. I mean his aim with a steak knife is uncanny. Bingo! Bulls eye!"


"I mean have you ever gotten to the bottom of a casserole of mashed potatoes and gravy? All the questions of the universe are at your finger tips! No need for a Food Guide to the Epicurean Universe. This is pure manna."


"We have a big back yard or, if the need arises, we can pack what we need, pile into a couple of SUVs or even some minivans, drive to some park and wonder why the sky is blue on some lawn laying on colored greenery."


"That is the Good Life. Let me tell you!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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