Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 28 October 2010

image for U.K. Engineer Designs Better Gripping Stripper Pole
Two times around the pole easily for these girls, without risk of a horrific crash.

Following years of unreported but serious workplace related injuries in adult entertainment establishments, a London engineer today announced his new design for a textured, no-slip stripper pole.

In a news conference earlier this morning, Howie Oggels, former flight engineer for British Airways with a metallurgical background in surface textures and alloys, created a lightweight but incredibly rigid extruded pole from aircraft grade aluminum. "The unique quality of the pole however, is the patented process for the textured layer on the pole surface", says Oggels.

"I'm sorry, did you say 'Incredibly rigid extruded pole'?" Members of the press were apparently looking to bait Oggels into an exchange perhaps a bit less newsworthy.

"Yes, if you can get past the sophomoric connotation. We tried to produce a product that would lead to a safer working environment, for these", Oggels paused for a moment, "professional women".

"But if the texture provides better grip, does it also then inhibit spin?" asked one reporter.

"That is the beauty of the textured coating", replied Oggels. "The patented diamond cut pattern on the pole allows for just enough grip, while leaving the pole relatively smooth. Even a girl with sweaty palms can get a strong grip on that pole, and still peel off upside down 720's to her hearts content. Not that I know what those are, really."

Oggles was also asked if he has any customers lined up for his new stripper pole technology, where he replied in the affirmative, listing five establishments within 10 miles of the news conference. Members of the press quickly filed out the rear exit, checking their pockets for loose currency.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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