SAN FRANCISCO - Apple Computer Inc. will support and organize podcasts in the next version of its iTunes and iPod software, in order to communicate with the Podpeople of planet Xanyre 7 said chief executive Steve Jobs in an interview yesterday.
Podcasts, which are sound files and audio content "will hopefully reach Xanyre 7 in an attempt to communicate with them before Microsoft can get in there and license the s - - t out of the Podpeople and their technology", said Jobs. Apple Computer's next step is to begin interplanetary marketing of products such as their iPod and introduce extraterrestrial life forms to the sound of the Irish rock band U2. "I just don't see how this can be detrimental for anyone involved" said Jobs when reporters asked him how he developed this new marketing plan.
"Listen, I'm not stupid and some of you in the news media who aren't profoundly useless intellectually will agree with me when I say it is apparent Bill Gates and his effing Microsoft monopoly have conquered this rotating rock called Earth. I just want to get a jump on the next big thing and interstellar advertising is 'it'." Steve Jobs, Apple's co-founder, said much of this information and advertising strategy came to him in an alcohol-induced dream after falling asleep in front of the television during an episode of The Twilight Zone entitled "To Serve Man". In this show are "Kanamits" who are towering bald aliens with pronounced foreheads who look exactly like the NFL's "Hall of Fame" quarterback Terry Bradshaw.
Jobs went on to say "Hell isn't it apparent I've got pods on the brain folks? Where do you think this all originated? Podpeople! Their desire to communicate with me and for me to facilitate their need for devices which carry sloppy pirated mp3 copies of hit songs by Britney Spears, Franz Ferdinand, Charles Aznavour, and The Housemartins is something I cannot deny the population of Xanyre 7. Plus they said they would invade Earth if I didn't hand over the goods. These Podpeople are not to be messed with on any level and having to deal with Gates, Steve Ballmer, John Sculley and Larry Ellison my entire career, I can tell you this alien race is the same type of bastard." Mr. Jobs, when asked what the Podpeople sounded like in their communication to him, started jumping one foot and whistling shrilly while thrashing his head from side to side.
Jobs knows people will be reluctant to believe him but stated these alien beings were also actively visiting Sir Tim Berners-Lee. When contacted for comment, Berners-Lee said Steve Jobs was basically a lunatic who never got over the "whole Apple Lisa thing" and was looking for some type of personal recognition now that Apple's iPod is commercially successful. Although Steve Jobs also co-founded Pixar, it is believe Jobs' incredible financial compensation is not enough to satisfy his obsessive desire to be recognized in the same cultural way as Bill Gates.
"It's always bothered him. He wanted people to talk about his success constantly and to reference his massive wealth as punch lines by late night comedians... so he's still angry at the world" said Apple co-founder and good friend Steve Wozniak. Perhaps this fuels his desire to start over again on another planet and with another race "no matter how imaginary they are" commented Wozniak.
The Mental Health Association of San Francisco (MHA-SF) said it had no comment on anything directly related to the issue of Steve Jobs and Podpeople from Xanyre 7.