Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 28 September 2010

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An influential scientist has thrown the world of theoretical physics into confusion with a controversial idea about the individual's place in the universe.

Previously, the individual's place in the universe was the realm of philosophers - each person could only be the centre of their own universe, simply centred on their own ego.

The centre of the physical universe could not be determined since it was thought to be infinite and constantly expanding.

But now Copernicus X Pastry has published a new theory which turns the science on its head.

The chair of Astrophysics at the University of Thames Valley East said: "I cannot believe we've spent so much time thinking about this - it's so obvious."

Summing up his 300-page paper, he added: "Look at where you're standing. Right. So the universe extends infinitely in every direction, right? That's every direction.

"You look in any direction and you're looking at infinity. So, you're at the centre of an infinite sphere.

"You are at the centre of the universe. So am I, because everywhere I look is infinite too.

"So is stupid Ray Plywood over in applied maths. Wish I could prove that he wasn't at the centre of the universe, smart-arse bastard! Poncing about all those fresher girls… Look at me… I am Ray Plywood…

"Anyway, there you go."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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