Written by Noddy Bigears
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Health, Bill Gates

Tuesday, 17 May 2005

Record numbers of people say they are too stressed out to go to work, according to a report out today from the World Health Organisation. Its report comes after recent figures showed that almost 10% of working people were claiming some type of incapacity due to mental and behavioral disorders. Research suggested the large majority of these suffered from "depression, anxiety or other neuroses". This is the so called XP phenomena.


Unfortunately, mental health problems lead to subsequent weakening of the immune system that then opens up the whole body system to viruses and other diseases. It is here that Bill Gates has decided to come clean, and take responsibility for the stress caused by the mentally destabilizing XP operating systems. However, Bill Gates was reticent to accept all responsibility saying "One person's XP stress is another person's job satisfaction."


Indeed, confirmed the medics at the conference, "it is useless to think that company employees can deal with 5 to 10 thousand spam emails per day unless they are prepared to take special medications to combat side effects as well as performance enhancing aids." However, the future XP operating systems are considered likely to enable every company employee to receive between 35 and 55 thousand spam emails per day, averaging slightly above 2 every second but peaking at over 500 to 1000 per second. Here the medics revealed "if we match these accelerating capacities of IT science with medical solutions, it may be possible for a typical company employee to deal with up to 100 thousand spam emails per day."

The ‘major health challenges' - also known as the Grand Medical Challenges Initiative - which started in 2003, would expand and enrich the steroids and other physical and concentration performance enhancing mediations taken normally only by Olympic athletes or astronauts. Initial trials of the pharmaceutical drug ‘XP Popped Up' has enabled computer operators to achieve typing speeds in excess of 800 words per minute whilst the antiviral ‘XP Popped Down' can reduce the cardiac beat back to normal levels within 4 hours allowing the subjects to achieve a good nights sleep.


However, the WHO XP project chief medical officer cautioned that further work was required during his presentation admitting "whilst it is true that these performance enhancing pharmaceuticals would allow most typical company employees to manage their workload and enable them to deal with most new email viruses, life expectancy would be less than 3 weeks due to cardiac arrest or neural fusion after experiencing a heartbeat of more than 678 per minute at peak hours." Therefore, he added "It may just be necessary for all humans to be fitted with Intel mechanical heart replacements and artificial brain intelligence, thus protecting them from any computer generated viruses for ever."

Make Noddy Bigears's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 plus 5?

3 8 6 19

Go to top ^