Written by IainB
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Topics: Health, Mice, Fruit, Senility

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

image for Blueberry diet stops senility
The only stock photo with any kind of berry in it

A recent study from nutritionists at the University of Newcastle has shown that a cup of Blueberries every day stops senility in its tracks. Even a very small cup, say doll house sized.

Violet Beauregarde, who led the study, initially bred mice that went senile. She fed some with blueberries and some with nicotine replacement gum. After three weeks, those fed on blueberries were performing better than those on the gum, which were all dead.

This evidence was enough to get funding for human trials.

"We had a few problems with the human trials," said Beauregarde. "With mice we could carefully control their diet. But people tend to get fed up eating one food item, and secretly ate other things. Whilst the nicotine replacement gum people ended up stopping eating the gum, and taking up smoking to wean themselves off the gum."

However, once all the factors were taken into account, the blueberry eating group performed better in York's Maize Maze than the group without blueberries in their diet at all. They are all still in the maze, waiting for it to be harvested so they can go home. Every member of the blueberry eating group were able to escape the maize and get some cheese and biscuits at the exit.

"Makes a change from freekin blueberries," said Dianne Ettree, the oldest member of the blueberry group at nineteen. "Though, they are pretty more-ish."

"There is one small side effect," said Beauregarde. "Eating large amounts of blueberries causes your body to swell into a big round purple ball. However, you do remain mentally acute for much longer."

Beauregarde, who has been on the diet longer than anybody else is currently starring in the new advert for Ribena as a stunt double for the lead blackcurrant. The maize is due to be harvested at the end of the week. Hopefully the octogenarians in this group will still be alive.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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