Written by Alistair Clarke
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Thursday, 9 September 2010

image for Desperate Advertising Executives Pretend That Deodorant Technology Has Meaningfully Progressed

WALMART CONVENTION CENTRE, NEW YORK-The lead presentation team at advertising firm Johnson and Smith unveiled Right Guard's Autumn line of odor-disguising sprays today to a rapturous reception from their peers in the world of marketing. Developed in the absence of any meaningful technological or conceptual developments, the range, entitled "Spiritual Power", consists of the same mechanisms that have been popular for decades with slightly tweaked smells such as "Winter Spice" and "Charismatic Lion".

"This range shows that we have the originality and brainpower to think outside the box of conventional deodorising," Right Guard CEO Marvin Hotel announced to the packed auditorium. "No-one else has ever mixed mint flavouring with the wholesome goodness of oats and then bound the two with shavings of human skin. We also have the first ever canister designed to be applied directly to the forehead for those stubborn fringe droplets."

The release comes after a difficult year for the hygiene sector that saw the industry giants all experience massive drops in profit as supermarket own-brand products became increasingly popular. Leading olfactory economist Owen Duffle believes the faltering economy has taken its toll. "People are losing their jobs left and right - they just don't have the disposable income required to smell delicious every day of the week. Indeed, my data indicates that the intoxicating scent of "Mango Surprise" has become a sign of wealth in many middle-class communities."

John Beltran, the Senior Executive at Johnson and Smith, was effusive in his praise of Right Guard's position at the vanguard of the fight against the negative effects of perspiration. "Right Guard have knocked it out of the park with this range. We never thought they could top last year's "Smell Freezes Over" extravaganza but then BAM, we heard about the triple-nozzled Desweatinator with caffeine extracts." He paused to dramatically smell his armpit and flashed a smile. "Talk about a good way to wake up the morning. Woo!"

The convention ended on a sour note, however, when the demonstration of the experimental "Sizzling Barbeque" all-over spray left three people seriously injured.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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