Written by manbrad
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Thursday, 2 September 2010

A team of top researchers from every field of human interaction have concluded that women just don't like you. Their year long study, commissioned by you, observed every interaction you've had with single eligible women and found that consistently and across the board none of them at any time found you the least bit desirable as a mate, sex partner or friend. While you hope that a thorough reading of the report will give you some hope, all preliminary indications say there is none.

The researchers, assembled from the world's elite universities and institutes of health, were eager to take you on as a subject because cases like yours are so rare. "We truly believed that there was someone for everyone and that rigorous scientific analysis would bear this out. We were wrong. Dead wrong," said Dr. Alfred Smith of Stanford University. "A year is a long time for a research project and I was positive we'd discover a missing element or some other reason for optimism. But after all of our efforts we've concluded, unanimously I might add, that you're a loser and you'd better find some hobbies to fill up the coming lonely decades."

Scientists observed you "in the wild" so to speak. Telling you that they'd only watch you on a few specific occasions, the scientists actually watched you 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to ensure you would be observed acting naturally. "Naturally" wasn't the correct word researchers soon discovered, after observing your horribly awkward encounters full of faux pas, attempts at humor that elicited stone cold silences, and what the obviously uninterested females reported to be punishingly dull conversations punctuated by seemingly endless silences.

While friends and family find you funny and engaging single women just don't. A joke that would elicit a hearty laugh from a married or elderly female or girl under the age of fourteen brought forth grunts, grimaces and the quick termination of conversation from nubile women. Alcohol-lubricated encounters at social occasions and bars were actually worse because your lowered inhibitions only exaggerated the flaws that sobriety restrained.

Physically you are slightly taller than average and because you exercise you are always at or near your ideal weight. You've got all your hair which you keep neatly cut and groomed and you are always clean and decently dressed. Yet researchers found that when they asked women about you they invariably said things like, "He's not ugly, but, um, I don't know." Or, "Well, I guess he's OK but he really isn't my type." Or, "I mean he isn't icky or anything but he really doesn't do anything for me." Or, "I'm sure someone else would find him cute. I guess." Not one said, "I'd date him," even in desperation.

Smith said that while scientists must follow the truth wherever it leads and report it despite the consequences, the team felt it best to leave out the official report's concluding sentence: "You're pathetic!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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