Written by K. Setzer
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Topics: Food, Health

Monday, 26 April 2010

image for English Muffins' Famed "Nooks and Crannies" a Danger to Consumers?
Dr. Eg Salád, English Muffin Researcher

The Thomas' English Muffins we've all grown up with may be hazardous to our health, a new study shows. Dr. Eg Salád, a biologist at UCLA, claims his research shows "the Crannies, when consumed steadily over a period of time, are carcinogenic."

"For now," he says, "English Muffins should be avoided until further research can be conducted." Thomas's English Muffins have been lauded for decades for their numerous "nooks and crannies," a feature the company claims increases flavor by creating more surface area for butter, jelly, or your favorite condiment to cling to.

Dr. Salád fed nothing but Thomas' English Muffins to lab rats over a period of six months. The rats were divided into three groups; one eating unaltered Thomas' English Muffins, one eating muffins without nooks, and one eating muffins without crannies. At the conclusion of the six-month study, the percentage of cancer-free rats was .0000002 percent higher in the rats who consumed cranny-less muffins. The other two groups showed an expected, random number of rats with and without cancer.

"The findings suggest the crannies cause cancer. I think it's safe to say that at this stage," according to Dr. Salád.

Now, along with the chemicals leaching from our plastics, as well as pesticides and fertilizers in our food, consumers have yet one more source of comfort to avoid.

Pending further study, the U.S. Surgeon General has proposed a label for Thomas' English Muffins packaging, warning of the danger of cranny consumption, similar to the warnings found on cigarettes and alcohol.

A representative from the company producing Thomas's English Muffins refused to be identified by name, but did reveal the company believes it is "premature" to make any final conclusions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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