Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: Dogs, Scientists

Wednesday, 9 February 2005

image for Scientists Discover New Connections Between Dogs, Opera, Beets, and Ovens
Newest Breed of Dog, the Poochini, Waits to Enter Avery Fisher Hall

New York, NY--Scientists at a major teaching hospital here today reported not one but two scientific findings that they hope will propel them to the front of the line for a Nobel Prize and provide them with lifetime free tickets to Lincoln Center.

In the first discovery, a team of seven scientists crossed a small hypoallergenic dog that had an especially melodious bark with a large home-grown zucchini to create a Poochini--the world's first opera-loving, zucchini-eating dog.

"I had to do something with our overabundance of zucchini," said one of the lead doctors, "and I was sick and tired of my daughter's dog barking whenever I put on a CD of opera."

"Now," another scientist on the team added, "we have a simple and cost-effective way to get rid of all those unwanted zucchini in our gardens every summer, AND we can listen to opera without a #$%^%^&* dog yapping in our ears. This breed of dog--the Poochini--adores opera! It barks in accompaniment! And, this dog can easily be taken to Avery Fisher Hall! In fact, it does not unwrap candy or use a cell phone during the performance, which makes it a more suitable breed for attending opera than many humans."

Another scientific team at the same hospital reported that when fresh beets are marinated in a bit of olive oil, and dusted with minced garlic, and sprinkled with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper before being roasted in a 350-degree oven for about 45 minutes, the oven will emit strains of the Moonlight Sonata and other popular Beethoven works.

"Beet...oven...Get it?" said the lead scientist while holding a roasted beet in his purple-stained hand. "The level of playing the oven exhibits is pretty good--sort of early advanced conservatory student. However, I really wish the guy had been named Cakehoven instead of Beethoven, because these #$%^&* things turn everything purple and really mess up my digestive system. And they're too healthy."

"Great discoveries are a fortuitous combination of luck, lack of sleep, and weirdness mental processes," said a research assistant who was part of the eight-person team and who was primarily responsible for pouring the olive oil and mincing the garlic. "We don't know why this works. We only know that it DOES work."

Flushed with success, music, and fiber from all the roasted beets, the two teams are planning a joint scientific venture that involves a beet, an oven, a dog, and opera in some as-yet-unclarified configuration.

"We might throw in some chocolate, coffee, sex, alcohol, and cigarettes" said a doctor. "Just to make the next set of experiments a little more interesting. And we're all going to read that wonderful new novel called Sleeping With Schubert. There might be something we can do with beds and shoes."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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