Today science has made quite possible the biggest breakthrough in history. Today, in Tulsa Oklahoma, in a private laboratory in his parent's basement, Ben Harding (48) broke the dimensional barriers and has discovered where socks go when "lost" in the dryer.
Harding's discovery confirms what people have suspected for years. You put two socks in the dryer, only one comes out. Where did the other go? Now proof exists that the second sock is not reduced to lint, caught in a filter or stuck to another article of clothing by static electricity. The truth is that a dimensional rift opens in clothes dryers that suck socks from out world into another world. Harding says the other world is "amazing, full of happy socks living good lives and enjoying all life has to offer." He gets his information first hand from socks he has captured using his "Sock Retrieval device" which looks rather like a fishing net, and questioned.
Harding plans to visit this new world he has discovered as soon as he can open a rift to that dimension large enough for a man to pass through.
Mr. Harding was best known for his work on finding the location his lost ballpoint pens went to, and his loss of status at Manhattan's Institute of Advanced Technology in Manhattan Kansas after his attempt to break into an alternate Earth where ballpoint pens were the dominant life form. Despite his failure there, his work with dryers and socks might just be enough to get his old job back.
"I want to go back to Manhattan. There was a bar there that I used to like to go to on Thursday nights when they had (exotic dancers)" among other adult interests, Mr. Harding told this reporter. He went on to list several dancers by name, unusual physical feature, or whether they attended any of his classes. It took several minutes to bring him back to the subject of socks.
"Yes, as soon as the rift is open wide, we can all go in and find out socks," he told this reporter, and then walked away, leaving this reporter alone with his elderly mother who, despite having to wear adult diapers, seemed quite friendly.
"Benny is a good boy," she said, with a smile. "He gets so excited when I do laundry."
It was at this point the interview was cut short as Mr. Harding's father came into the kitchen wearing one sock on his left foot, a cut-off T shirt and nothing else, and carrying a shotgun.