Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Christian, Bible

Friday, 7 January 2005

image for A Holy Bible That is Full of Holes

Norfolk, Virginia----Leaders of the coalition of right-wing Christians , known as the Christian Coalition, have been using scissors to snip out sections from thousands of Bibles, to make its teachings more relevant to our modern times. The new version of the Bible, with large holes in many pages, known as The Revised Standard Excised Version, will be distributed to followers beginning next week.

"We believe God's Word is perfect, and we can honor the Creator by making it more perfect, by removing Some of the teachings that are no longer relevant to our modern world."

Organizers of the effort hope to strengthen the faith of their followers, by tailoring the scriptures more closely to the teachings they hear from the pulpit.

The parts about 'Thou shalt not kill' and 'Blessed are the peacemakers', 'love thy enemy', and 'turn the other cheek', needed to be removed, because in today's world, being soft on military spending, is tantamount to supporting terrorism.

Christ's statement, that "If you live by the sword, you will die by the sword", is no longer relevant, because we no longer use swords in the battlefield, and the basic point no longer applies in an age of nuclear weopons and terrorism, that effect everyone.

Our modern economic system is fueled by self-centered greed, so repeated references throughout the Bible, to greediness being a sin, needed to be deleted.

Another questionable statement is this famous adage:
"When you refused to help the least of these my brothers, you were refusing help to me."

Christ may not have been entirely 'with it' when he said this. Helping the poor and needy only results in dependency. People who are poor, are that way because they are lazy. And what they need is a swift kick in the hind end, not to be pampered.

Jesus's statement, "Render unto Ceaser, that which is Ceaser's" had to be deleted, because it gives a false support to the concept of paying taxes. Jesus was crucified by the state, and would never have condoned a statist tool like taxation.

Innumerable references to the wrongness of rich people getting ahead by oppressing the poor, had to be deleted, because in our modern economic system, we know that people become rich through their own hard work, and ingenuity, and those who remain poor, do so, because of their own slothfulness, and low character.

The part about "let yee who is without sin, cast the first stone", had to be deleted, because it doesn't draw a distiction between a Democrat in the Whitehouse who commits adultery, and lies about it, and Republican officeholders in Washington who do the same thing.

Another example of a verse that had to be deleted, because it would teach our youth false moral values, comes from Ecclesiastes:
" He who loves money shall never have enough. The foolishness of thinking that wealth brings happiness! The more you have, the more you spend, right up to the limits of your income. So what is the advantage of wealth -- except perhaps to watch it as it runs through your fingers! The man who works hard sleeps well whether he eats little or much, but the rich must worry and suffer insomnia."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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