Following an exhaustive seven year study by an international field of noted researchers and scientists, the pure act of sex was discovered to be the only real cure for the lack of sex.
Though many activities, dietary changes and drug substances were tested for their abilities to replace the satisfactory effects of sexual activity, none were found to provide the euphoric and calming effects normally experienced by ringing someone's bell.
Dr. Buster Nutsakks from the Center for Orgasmic Studies tells reporters, "We had hoped that a nice five kilometer run, or a piece of chocolate cake, or even a little LSD in a glass of wine might replace sex's natural euphoric effects, but much to our disappointment, no." Commenting further, Nutsakks said, "Our test subjects were better off by rubbing one out in the privacy of our laboratory bathrooms."
Asked if the effects were similar between men and women, Nutsakks replied, "Frankly the women's bathroom floor was stickier than the men's. I'm guessing the relaxing and stress relieving effects work on the women just the same. Clearly though, one of our female test subjects was a frequent squirter."
The 3,790 page report is available online at the C.O.S. website, but nobody seems to make it past test subject video link. "We fear that people just want to see our squirter in action, rather than read the results."