Written by Dima Detroitsky
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Wednesday, 4 November 2009

image for Detroit, MI:  Scientists Discover "FAT F*&%" gene

DETROIT, MI: While many blame the prevalence of fast food and poor eating habits on the nation's current weight problem, a renown scientist in Detroit has discovered a mutant genetic strain that may suggest otherwise. Dr. Katz, director of the Medicure clinic on Grand River, believes that he has discovered genetic proof that being a fat fuck is hereditary.

"Overeating is such a problem in Detroit I knew there had to be a real cause" says Katz. "I know I speak for many when I can honestly say the first thing I think about when I wake up is the two Coneys dogs and fries I'm going to destroy at lunch. I then spend all afternoon trying to make up my mind whether I'm going to hit Boneyard for ribs and that great garlic bread or call Romano's on my way home so my pizza, mostaccioli's, and bucket of chicken, which you have to get extra crispy, is waiting at my door. It's how I think. How I'm wired."

Dr. Katz is apparently not the only one wired to overeat, Michigan has been ranked among one of the 10 heaviest states for the past fourteen years, with a whopping sixty two percent of its adult population overweight or downright obese. "The fact that everyone is unemployed and there is nothing else to do but eat is not a viable cause", declares Katz.

The gene, which is a actual a mutation, is not something that Dr. Katz believes can be removed or destroyed, but treated. The institute is currently experimenting with different strains to develop a skinny pill that could be ready for public use in as little as five years. "We don't test on monkeys or puppies. We use cats, which have a natural propensity, like metro Detroiters, to get beefy."

Katz believes the skinny pill could revolutionize weight loss in this country. "I was born a fat fuck and I thought I would die one - until now" says Katz.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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