Written by Jack Van Gump
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Topics: Space, NASA, moon

Friday, 9 October 2009

image for The Moon Vows Retaliation for Missile Attack
Shooting The Moon Turns Deadly

The Moon alarmed the people of Earth today and threatened retaliation for the bombing of its southern pole this week. In a message beamed live to all major news stations across the globe, an obviously angry alien figure shook its fist at the camera and threatened to, "reduce the Earth to a primordial ball of smoldering debris," in response to, "wrecking my swimming pool." The alien was later definitively identified as the Moon's Ambassador to Earth, Xyrixly Vox, and apparently had only recently installed the pool. "Who's going to pay for that?"

After bemoaning the difficulty in getting backlogged parts for a good liquid helium filtration system, "in this backwater part of space", the Ambassador accused the United States of violating the Moon-Earth Treaty of 1972. "The treaty clearly states that the Earth will cease and desist all attempted landings on The Moon. In return, The Moon will immediately stop the mutilation of cows on Earth." After blaming rambunctious alien teens for the cattle mutilations, Vox declared the treaty null and void, alarming cows around the world.

A spokesman for the LCROSS lunar mission denied the impact was actually a "landing" per se, insisting that it was merely a "controlled impact" in search of water.
"WATER!?" screamed Vox in a live feed on Larry King. "You idiots are surrounded by freaking water! How about we fire a black-hole at Earth to see if you have craters?" Vox even questioned the scientific merit of the mission itself, calling it self-aggrandizing over-achievement without practicality. "The humanoid that invented fire didn't just want to use it as bling," he mused.

The Moon's threat to retaliate alarmed many political pundits, including Rush Limbaugh. Only the previous day, Limbaugh had eagarly advocated the military adventure.

"We are going to bomb the moon...no preconditions, no negotiations!" said Limbaugh in response to a call from a listener who asked if he could get, "one of those Moon Maidens." But, after the alien announcement, Limbaugh was clearly alarmed. "Oh, crap, I was just joking!" After sweating through more shirts than an Ewok stuck in Wookietown after dark, Limbaugh deftly shifted attention to Obama. "Oh great! Mr. Wonderful wins the Nobel Peace Prize on the eve of the biggest war this planet has ever seen!"

Rush also implied that NASA actually bombed The Moon to test run a new bomb that the Department of Defense is acquiring: the Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP). The White House vehemently denied that any such testing took place, but arrested Limbaugh on suspicion of espionage anyway. "Yeah, they're trumped up charges...but what the hell," said a White House spokesman who declined to be identified.

Meanwhile, back on The Moon, U.S. intelligence has detected increased military activity. "In the past hour, we've observed several massive craft emerging from craters all across the surface of The Moon...and...oh, hey, here they are now," said a military analyst, pointing up. So far, there have been no wide-spread reports of cattle mutilation, however, incidents of "cow-tipping" continue to sky-rocket. Experts have cautioned people not to panic, and to use duct tape and plastic to cover all doors and windows. "Yeah, it's air-tight and you'll probably die of suffocation...but that beats being enslaved by Moon People," said a spokesman for Homeland Security from an undisclosed location. Upon hearing the warning, Moon Ambassador Vox laughed out loud and released this statement: "Get real, people! You pin-heads wouldn't even make good pool boys."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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