Written by Roy Turse
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Tuesday, 21 July 2009

image for Apollo 11 and the First Men on the Moon
Armstrong finds Velcro growing on the lunar surface

Forty years ago saw the culmination of the first manned lunar landing when intrepid space explorers Stretch Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear and the other one went to the moon.

These three famous Argonauts set out in their massive Saturn V1 Rocket after it was carefully aimed at the moon. Obviously, the mission had to be undertaken at night. After the customary countdown the huge craft lifted off and flew into space while bits fell off. Eventually the three men were left with just two tiny bits of spaceship. They then each tried to do a three-point-turn in one of the bits to see who was going to take it down to the lunar surface.

One man had to stay behind and watch the main bit of spaceship, Columbo, while the others were gone. Stretch and Buzz proved to be the best flyers, so off they went in the landing module, called Eagle because it had three legs, and it landed on the moon, splashing down into the Sea of Tranquillity on July 20th 1969.

The next day was nice so they decided to go for a walk. Stretch went out the hatch first and down the ladder. When he reached the bottom he uttered the now famous line: "This is one small step for man - One giant leap for Mankind." He then made the small step onto the moon, which, because of the reduced gravity, turned into a giant leap, just as he had predicted.

After several walks on the astroturf by the two men, they fixed a metal plaque to one of the legs of the Eagle bearing the inscription: "HERE MEN FROM THE PLANET EARTH FIRST SET FOOT UPON THE MOON JULY 1969 A.D. WE CAME IN PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND." This meant they had to leave the Eagle's legs behind when they flew back up to Columbo.

After meeting up with the other man, they decided it might be best if they all went home in one vehicle. They left Eagle behind as it had no legs anyway, and flew back to Earth in Columbo. They had to go right round the moon and the earth on the way back because of the one-way system, and some more bits fell off. A massive heater on one side of the space capsule was then used to burn a hole through the ozone layer so they could get back into the atmosphere. Unfortunately they missed all the land, but luckily a passing helicopter fished them out of the sea.

We all owe a debt of gratitude to those three brave men, and all the others involved in the monumental Apollo 11 mission. Without them we would have no non-stick pans, Velcro or pens that can write upside down.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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