Written by Wire Piddle
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Wednesday, 1 July 2009

image for Calorie Restriction Diet Plan Aided By Tapeworms
It's a stomach x-ray

Beverly Hills, CA - The new Calorie Restricted Diet Plan, made popular by talk-show host, Oprah, has a further development - tapeworms.

Live Healthy, Live Longer...and Gain A New Pet

Dr. Irwin Melish, homeopath, thinks that by supplementing the Calorie Restricted Diet with a tapeworm, one can improve ones chances of losing weight. In a clinical test, people with tapeworms who were on the diet proved more successful at 'keeping the weight off', a big problem for chronic dieters.

Said Dr. Melish, "...a tapeworm can vastly improve your chances at losing weight. We've found in clinical trials that a tapeworm will normally consume 300% of its body weight in food. Remember that's before you've even had a chance to digest it yourself. Additionally, once the tapeworm has had a chance to metabolize that food, it's going to put on weight. So that 300% in body weight will grow exponentially once the tapeworm grows. And it grows. It grows and grows and grows!"

"Furthermore, the fatter the tapeworm gets, the less the host feels like eating. Remember, it's the host that's got to carry this humongous tapeworm around everywhere. It becomes really unwieldy."

NOTE: The Calorie Restricted Diet Plan with Supplemental Tapeworm is not for everyone. Tapeworms can take on a life of their own, become bothersome and lead to chronic diseases such as arthritis, bursitis, heart disease, sexual dysfunction, rhubella, yellow fever, chronic hemorrhoids, stroke, cancer of the bowel, arterialsclerosis, and may end up just being a pain in the butt.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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