Written by Kevin the RN
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Topics: cancer, duck

Friday, 7 October 2005

image for Study shows Duck more effective than Prayer

BOULDER, CO. (SN)- A new study has shown that Daffy Duck is dramatically more effective in treating certain types of cancer than trained, praying healers. "Needless to say, this was somewhat unexpected," states lead researcher Ima Fakker RN. "I'm sure if we had compared our trained healers to the Roadrunner, or even Porky Pig, we would have shown better results. But it's tough to beat the duck," admitted Fakker.

One hundred patients at the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center, all with a similar type of colon cancer, were divided into three groups and followed for six months. All received the standard follow-up care for their cancers following surgery.

One-third of the patients watched Daffy Duck cartoons three times a day for a half hour. A second group had healers, trained in the art of assessing and treating patient energy fields at a distance, pray for them and send "healing intentionality" to them; and the final third served as a control. The Daffy Duck group had 78% less subsequent tumor growth, and 48% fewer reactions to the chemotherapy.

"The only notable side effect was that patients in the Daffy group started speaking with a slight lisp. But they actually seemed to enjoy it," said Rose Lindy RN, who monitored the research to insure accuracy. "By the time the study was in its third month, you could tell who was in the Daffy group," Lindy observed, "because they would suddenly say something like 'Thuffering thuccotash!' and then start laughing hysterically. They generally seemed to be in a better mood than the other patients."

Fakker had hoped that this study would finally show conclusively that remote prayer and healing were effective. "While previous studies on remote prayer suffered from researcher bias and poor methodology, we designed our study very carefully. I fully expected our healers to be vindicated," stated Fakker.

Much to her chagrin, however, the results of the study showed the praying healers to be equally as effective as no intervention at all. "Skeptics are so quick to judge our healing powers," said Fakker. "But based on the results of this study, one can unequivocally say that the healers were not doing any harm. So why not use them?"

Fakker also noted that a majority of the patients said they would be willing to pay for such treatments. "At least then the patients feel like they are doing something to treat their illness, even if we have conclusively shown that they are not. Sometimes you just need to give people hope."

When asked if she had any plans to incorporate the results of this research into her practice or teaching, Fakker said her team had discussed this at some length. "I don't think we have to go back to the drawing board and start from scratch. I think we're on the right track. We will still have our healers pray, for example. But instead of having them project an image of healing white light, we are thinking of having them project an image of Daffy Duck onto their patient's auras next time. We're confident that their patient outcome scores will improve if they add that to their healing," noted Fakker. She said she has already received a two million dollar National Institutes of Health grant to fund the next round of research, which will compare the results of healers infusing patient energy fields with images of either Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, or Homer Simpson.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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