Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 26 June 2009

The preliminary results of the Michael Jackson autopsy were leaked to the press this afternoon in Southern California. The autopsy confirms that the King of Pop suffered a massive coronary and died due to loss of heart function.

The autopsy also revealed that 37 gloves were found inside of the anal cavity of the singer. All of the gloves were for the left hand (answering the mystery of why he only had right gloves).

Other details show that, while Jackson had chemically changed the color of the skin on his face, hands, arms, chest, and feet, the color of his genitals was still black (as has been confirmed by at least five former boys who were known to have shared his bed).

The autopsy also confirmed rumors that Michael was taking estrogen. This was confirmed by the c-cup breasts that have long been suspected due to the amount of clothing that Jackson has worn up top in recent years.

Former bodyguard and lover Willaim Eugene Riggs (the famous Billie Jean of song) affirmed this by saying that "Michael knew that there couldn't be anything white that big, so he left his Johnson black. He also had them big old titties so he could hit the high notes without cutting off his balls."

The presence of six gerbils in the anal cavity alongside the gloves could not be explained. Actor Richard Gere refused to comment on this issue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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