Written by Jack Van Gump
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Thursday, 23 April 2009

image for Earth's "Earth Day" Message: "Get the hell off me!"
The China Syndrome: Owing China so much money, you can't afford the price of oil.

While President Obama used Earth Day to push a "Green Jobs" agenda, the Earth itself sent a mass e-mail urging humanity to develop the technology to move elsewhere.

"You guys are worst than head-lice," the message said in part. "The dinosaurs kept a lot less noise and look what happened to them. Take a hint and get the hell off me while you still can!"

President Obama refused to comment on the menacing e-mail, and instead urged the economy to move towards renewable energy sources and green technologies.

The Economy, speaking from an undisclosed location, suggested Obama "mind his own business," before sarcastically asking in jest, "So, you want me to whip up a couple of starships while I'm at it? Geez..." Muttering under its breath, the Economy also reminded Obama why we're in this fix in the first place. "25 years of declining academic performance and you expect these clowns to actually get innovative? You might want to talk to Education about all that before you even get me involved."

Meanwhile, speaking from a former Maytag facility in Iowa now making towers for wind turbines, the President led by example and used wind power to blow smoke up the collective asses of all in attendance. Painting the pursuit of green technologies as the recipe for job creation and economic growth, the President apparently failed to note that it took 1/10 as many people to make towers as washing machines. "At this rate, you'll all be unemployed by the time we're totally energy independent," snickered an unemployed economist in the audience.

While the creation of "green jobs" may look good on paper, those currently in such positions are not as enthusiastic about the creation of additional ones. "You trying to put me out of business?" a rickshaw driver in Hong Kong asked rhetorically. "Damn Yankee capitalists!" Even more confusing is exactly how much benefit the proposed "cap-and-trade" bill for reducing carbon emissions will provide. "That sounds like an accounting solution to an engineering problem," said the Earth. "It's like a dandruff shampoo that just redistributes the dander instead of reducing it!"

Advocating more nuclear plants, greener technologies and less dependence on oil and gas as a solution to our economic woes is akin to advising starving people to eat more. The first thing they ask after totally agreeing with you is, "Where's the meat?" People can't live on hope alone...but it does put them to sleep for a little while.

The Earth was even more cynical with regard to humanity's ability to adapt to a changing environment."Even after 25 years of research into global warming, you still deny the obvious. So, I figure I'll just switch it up and drop an Ice Age on your asses...just to freeze that damned smug look on your faces."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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