Written by Roy Turse
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Monday, 20 April 2009

image for Incorrect naming of Calorie means our food intake is over 950 times worse than thought
Hey - remember - 'A moment on the lips, 475 years on the hips'

Nutritionists were demanding answers today following the admission by scientists that the Calorie was incorrectly named and that each Calorie we ingest is actually worth 1000 Calories!

If this is proved to be true, then a pint of lager may in fact be 320,000 Calories, and a doughnut could be worth 190,000 Calories.

The impact of this revelation on the country's health could be huge. The amount of exercise required to work off one pint of lager could be the equivalent of walking 2134 miles.

Nobody knows for sure when the Calorie was revalued, but it may have happened during the 1960's in America during a period of culinary hyperinflation. It is possible that scientists working for food companies took the view that the public would be alarmed by the increasing numbers of Calories in their products. They may have decided to introduce the 'New Calorie' at a value of 1000 Calories or one Kilo-Calorie, and then quietly dropped the 'New' over the next few years.

What is important is that nobody should panic. If we start believing the scare stories the effect on the nation could be catastrophic. The subsequent obesity epidemic could threaten the future of every man, woman and child on the planet.

Luckily, help is at hand from the very scientists who may have caused the problem in the first place. It seems that by devaluing the Calorie that we ingest, we also devalue the Calorie we work off. As a result, equilibrium of sorts is reached and the horrific problem is resolved.

The World Health Organisation has sent a congratulatory e-mail to all nutritional scientists to thank them for solving the crisis.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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