Written by David Swinstead
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Rocket, Handbags

Monday, 4 March 2002

image for Handbags Get Turbocharged
Press the button and away it goes!

In a somewhat surprising move, boots the chemist have today introduced miniature jet engines into their small range of ladies' handbags. The engines are said to vary from a V6 to a V12, and also differ in their gearing - some are a mere single speed, whereas the more advanced models have up to four different gears including reverse.

The products TheSpoof has been shown do not sport wheels of any sort, as they are expected not to drive but to fly, propelled by the contraptions protruding from the rear that this reporter can describe only as "Rocket-boosters" and kept airborne by nothing more than the speed these would create, giving up to 5 seconds of flight in perfect conditions.

When asked why they had chosen to take this rather unusual step, the boots company spokesman gave this statement:

"It is mainly for practical reasons, and is to increase the effectiveness of the traditional style of duelling that is "handbags at 20 paces", which at present simply does not last long enough. This was primarily because at 20 paces you could not swing a handbag at anybody, and so instead it would have to be thrown, instantly rendering you and your opponent defenceless and without a means of attack."

The idea of having these powered handbags is twofold. Firstly, the bag would travel at a speed much greater than it ever could do were it simply being thrown, increasingly the likelihood of inflicting injury. Secondly, should your handbag not achieve desired results at the first attempt, our models with reverse such as the GBDNH2400 will automatically return to you.

"We call this the boomeranganisertron, and is like nothing else currently on the market, we are truly moving the field of handbag design in to the future with this step, and we like to think that consumers will appreciate this in their buying. We are confident that all models will sell well in shops, as we think of most of our customers as accessorised warriors, rather than mere fashion conscious trend followers."

The new products have been examined by the Clothing, Undergarment and Nightdress Testers (C.U.N.T.) and the British Association for Seeing That Accessories are Rather Desirable (B.A.S.T.A.R.D), and the Safe Handbag Association For Teenagers (S.H.A.F.T), and have passed tests thrown at them by all three with flying colours. The bags are set to be tested by British Aerospace next week, and pending the results, are set to go on sale around the 6th of April.

Make David Swinstead's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 5?

5 20 10 19

Go to top