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Topics: Health, Fast Food, stroke

Monday, 23 February 2009

image for Study Linking Fast Food Restaurants to Strokes, Questioned
"I didn't do it!"

Nueces County, Texas: An NIH funded study conducted by the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor correlated the number of stroke victims with their proximity to fast food restaurants.

A spokeswoman for the National Restaurant Association said "this article is seriously flawed and by its own admission shows no correlation whatsoever between dining at chain restaurants and incidence of stroke."

A reporter from Fox News Channel was sent to MacSkinny's Burger Palace located in Nueces County, TX. The MacSkinny Bothers, Bert and Harry, have owned and operated this fast food restaurant for 25 years and live in an apartment above the restaurant. Each brother is 6'5'' tall and weighs about 185 pounds. Bert commented that "he couldn't get any closer to the restaurant, if he tried."

However, Harry said that "Allan Stamford a local resident, who has eaten lunch at MacSkinny's for years, had participated in the study." He added "thank heavens Allan had only experienced a mild stroke." At that moment Allan showed up for lunch, leaving his bicycle outside, saying it was "too hot today to walk the 1 ½ miles from his office complex."

Allan ordered a health salad with low fat dressing and a large orange juice, his usual lunch. Allan was about thirty five years old, 5'6" tall and weighed about 350 pounds. He and his mother own and manage Stamford's Exercise Equipment LLC, a company started by his late father.

Allan sells and demonstrates exercise equipment such as stationary bicycles and treadmills to customers. The business is located in an old six story office building, on the first five floors, with living space on the sixth floor. As there is no elevator Allan must continually walk up and down stairs of the office complex.

Allan's mother, besides managing the company's books, cooks breakfast and dinner meals for Allan. Typically breakfast consists of Bacon or corned beef hash, three eggs and hash browns made with lard; and dinner usually consists of pot roast, or porterhouse steaks, buttered potatoes or French fries and chocolate cheese cake for dessert.

The next university study to be undertaken will be a correlation of the number of Texas mothers, who lovingly feed their unmarried male children non nutritional meals and the incident of strokes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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