Italy - Amateur scientist and professional pole-barn tinkerer, Uppa YurAssa of Italy, stumbled upon the end to the use of fossilized fuel, paving the way for self-reliant energy consumption in the very near future. His invention may change the face of world economics and political divisions plaguing mankind.
When news of YurAssa's discovery reached scientific circles, researchers were scratching their heads in disbelief. Energy Secretary Fulla Alotta Wind, NA, was left speechless over the find but promised full cooperation.
We sent scientific reporter Lay Z. Focker to Uppa's garage located in an Italian cornfield to get details on the invention. YurAssa explained that the device was meant to harness the bodies own methane production, and store the gas in containers suitable for direct connection to a modified combustion engine. (Various types of engines were being tested as we speak). Focker reports seeing what appeared to be 2 long rows of seats that looked a lot like a mock-up of aircraft passenger seating. Located in the middle of all the seat cushions was a stationary "plug" that was connected to tubing and canisters. The canisters were in turn connected to a big jet engine. One can only guess what this study was meant to accomplish. YurAssa told us that they were studying the feasibility of passengers supplying the fuel for the engines, thereby reducing the cost of airline tickets.
Upon closer inspection, the invention was a small canister not unlike a portable oxygen tank you might find people carrying about. Connected to the bottle was a small box that had a clip intended for one's belt or pants pocket. This box was actually a small air pump with an LED gauge that forced air into the canister under pressure. The "interface" linking the body, and the canister, was a plug that looked like a baby's pacifier with a hose attached to it. When the "plug" was inserted into the pooper hole, the rest was left up to a healthy serving of beans, and mother nature. A special ceramic filter was strategically placed in the pacifier nipple to screen out "soft" turds, diarrhea, and corn nuggets. K-Y Jelly is included for those people that are "tense."
YurAssa tells us the concept was so simple and obvious it's hard to believe no one came up with the idea sooner. There is, however, one unpleasant side effect of the invention. Asked what that was, Uppa said, "Well, er ah, the automobiles we tested this alternative fuel on emitted an ordor that smelled a whole lot like someone just ripped a big one off. He stated that he, and his newly hired team of scientists were working on adding various smells that will appeal to a wide variety of fetishes and masochistic behavior people have hidden inside them. We understand that there is already a large segment of the population that would like the odor left as is. The gay male spokesman also told us they have our backs, er ah, I mean backing.