Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Saturday, 10 January 2009

image for Obama grants Oprah ambassadorship to Mercury so she can "weigh" one-third less; Sarah Palin sends her best Via Satellite from a slaughterhouse
What gnaw off my own foot? You gnaw off your own [censored] first, you [censored]!

Chicago, Illinois - "I'm taking one more step for man and one more giant leap for mankind," said an excited Oprah to her studio audience as she announced that President-elect Barack Obama has promised her an ambassadorship to the planet closest to the Sun in our solar system.

"I'm going to the planet Mercury! There, my crack staff has informed me, that I can finally achieve and this time maintain my targeted weight because - get this - I weigh one-third less than I do here on earth!"

"Oprah will be lunched into space in a retrofitted Saturn V rocket paid out of her own pocket," said a NASA spokesman in a live broadcast Via Satellite from Johnson Space Center in Texas. "After all these are hard economic times, besides Oprah can afford it and quite frankly we're bankrupt and cannot afford to release a weather balloon."

The NASA spokesman went on to explain the special modifications the spacecraft has undergone, having been rebuilt from the ground up with all the accoutrements and accommodations that Oprah is accustomed to here on earth like a "7- Eleven" convenience store, "International House of Pancakes" and half a dozen so "Starbucks" outlets.

As the NASA live feed was lost, another came on the giant screen behind Oprah as she sat in her couch. It was no other than, Sarah Palin, former vice-president candidate wishing Oprah the best from Alaska.

"Hello? Am I on? Yeah? Hi, Oprah. It's me, Sarah Palin," said Palin wearing a white overall coat, a yellow hat and protective eyeglasses broadcasting from the killing floor inside a slaughterhouse. "I'm sure, you know, Oprah that we're all pulling for yah. And we're all so very happy that you will finally get to come face to face with your eating disorder far, far away from any renewable food source, like the planet earth."

Palin turning back to point out the cow she personally choose to be slaughtered to a man holding a sledge hammer saying to him:

"No! Not that one," Palin said somewhat impatiently to the man holding a sledgehammer. "The other one with the big brown puppy eyes. Oh, to hell with it, do them both. I have enough room in my walk-in freezer. I'll just throughout the Moose, Caribou and the baby Seals."

Palin then turning back facing the camera, continues talking, picking up right where she left off to a now shocked Oprah and studio audience that were all stun into silence.

"Where was I? Oh, yeah, I remember now," continued Palin undisturbed by the haunting sounds of mooing cows, power saws cutting through bone or the fine crimson mist that filled the air settling on her white overcoat, yellow hat and protective eyewear staining them with red poke-a-dots that slowly began to run as she spoke. "And with your new exercise regiment of jogging on the barren surface of Mercury devoid of a life sustaining atmosphere, dogging those deadly radioactive solar flares and avoiding falling to your death in a crater. Or even leaping off the planet by accidentally achieving escape velocity while your jumping around, all the time you're breathing an enriched oxygen supply from within your self-contained environmental suit, you should be able to shed those pounds away like a Yukon field mouse on Crystal Meth, as we like to say here in Anchorage."

Palin went on to compare herself to an old Eskimo woman who could not chew her own food anymore and therefore sets herself adrift on a chunk of ice so as not to burden her family anymore.

"Or apparently like a former vice-presidential running mate for spending too much on clothes, don't you know," said Palin. "I just hope you don't get so hungry that you try to gnaw your own foot off like a woodland creature caught in a hunters trap. Or like Todd during his last snowmobile race across the open tundra. But I'm sure; you'll do much better than your own foot, Oprah. You know, like a stick of melting butter on a steaming pile of pancakes six inches deep and eight inches wide with rich brown Maple syrup glistening out of the bottle as you slowly pour it on top. So, you go girl! Everybody back here on earth, and Alaska, will have their fingers crossed for you. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Say hello to Obama for me, would yah?"

A still shocked Oprah barely mustered up the strength to cut away for a commercial break and station identification and say, "We'll be right back. I think."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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