Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: NASA, space station

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

image for NASA Astronauts Test New Probe during Space Walk
Ben Tweiner Enjoying His Anal Probe

Combining scientific and medical procedures during a planned experiment at the international space station, two NASA astronauts completed a historic series of tests in the cold vacuum of space this past Monday.

Designed to test the human body's reaction to extreme temperature swings and electrical impulses, the experiment called for an anal probe to be inserted during a scheduled space walk, where each participant would be subjected to a variety of tests. Astronaut volunteers Ben Tweinr, a native of San Francisco, and Mattia Toolinas from Greece, subjected the other to the same test sequences, recording responses in turn.

Lead scientist for the mission Dr. Ike Kantjak, tells reporters, "Through video and internal suit sensors we measured muscle response to these temperature and electronic voltage tests, mimicking a variety of space conditions. The results however, were quite unexpected."

Astronaut Tweiner answered reporter questions via satellite following his walk. "When I tried to stick my probe through the specially designed hole in Mattia's suit, we weren't expecting the vacuum of space to suck out his remaining dinner nuggets from the night before. That was a bit of a surprise, but I did manage to get the probe inserted like the pooper trooper I knew I could be". Toolinas followed, "And the effects of the electrical stimulation combined with the heat were completely unexpected, however not unwelcome."

"Yes, there were some unique results from the testing", said Dr. Kantjak. "The body sensors inside both astronaut's suits began to short out just below the front belt line. At first, we thought they were urinating, but drew another conclusion when he heard the connecting audio." When asked about the duration of the test, Kantjak replied, "Yes, it was only scheduled for 60 minutes of active testing, but the men kept demanding to repeat the experiment. We caught on when Tweiner started asking Toolinas who his daddy was."

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