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Sunday, 14 December 2008

image for Britain's Oldest Human Brain Discovered
"Usually we just find porridge, but this time we found an actual human brain" exclaimed Dr Al Knowing from York University

London, England - Scientists at York University have discovered what appears to be the oldest human brain in Britain.

The brain was discovered in a five year old child during routine examinations at her nursery school in Northern England.

Scientist Al Knowing from York University said his team was startled and elated by the finding. "This is the oldest example of a human brain in Northern England and probably in the entirety of Great Britain," claimed Dr Knowing.

There have been rare findings of human brains in the British Isles dating back for one or two years, but this is the first confirmation that some inhabitants have had human brains as long as five years ago.

Dr Al Knowing explained the chance discovery. "An educational psychologist was testing all of the five year olds at the nursery school in preparation for entering primary school. She couldn't believe it when one of the pupils demonstrated intelligence similar to a human."

The child, whose name is being withheld whilst it is being named, was then referred to York University for more sophisticated brain scans and tissue biopsies. The results confirmed that the five year old girl definitely has a human brain, the oldest one on record in Britain.

Dr Knowing explained that there have been numerous historical reports of human brains in Britain for a long time, especially in Northern England. However, upon further investigation, these reports have all been erroneous.

"When English people read Hamlet's soliloquy to Yorik's skull in the graveyard, they make a lot of false assumptions," explained Dr Knowing.

"First of all, they think Hamlet is British when actually he is Prince of Denmark. Then they assume 'alas poor Yorik' refers to a Yorkshireman. There's no archaeological proof whatsoever in Shakespeare's writings that human brains existed in pre-Elizabethan times."

In more contemporary times, Brits have deluded themselves into believing that Stephen Fry and Stephen Hawkings have human brains. Apparently there is no evidence for these beliefs.

"We can't just go around thinking every man with the name 'Stephen' has a human brain," professed Dr Al Knowing.

"As for Stephen Fry, he does things on cue for rewards just like any ape. Close to human but no cigar. And as for Stephen Hawkings, if you put Michael Jackson in a wheelchair and record his voice through a synthesizer like Cher, would that make you believe he had a human brain? I think not."

It appears scientists are quite sure that the recently discovered five year old Yorkshire girl is the oldest example of a human in Britain.

"We don't know what it all means just yet," said Dr Knowing. "But imagine the possibilities for the future of Great Britain if more human brains are discovered in more children. It could change things dramatically down the road for our society."

The discovery of just one human brain in the country has already had a dramatic impact on the UK economy with the FTSE advancing 4300 points in a single day of trading.

Investor Bi Long has decided to invest in long term stocks as a result of the finding of a human brain in Britain. "We've let these monkeys run the economy for too long," said Long. "It's time for someone with a brain to take over."

In New York (which recently changed its name from New Yorik), Wall Street has also surged upon the news of a human brain being discovered in England, and the five year old girl was flown over to ring the opening bell for trading yesterday.

However in Shanghai and Hong Kong, stocks rose even higher as savvy Chinese students decoded the secret trading tips encoded in the little girl's bell ringing notes.

"I guess it's true," summed up Dr Al Knowing, "that just one person can make a difference. As long as that person has a human brain."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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