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Wednesday, 10 December 2008

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This ballsy gorilla knew that Gilbert was Sullivan's partner when composing 'The Pirates of Penzance on the BBC's new QS show

Kings Bollocks College, London, England - A recent research study has found a link between intelligence and sperm quality in men.

Analysing data from American soldiers who took IQ tests and gave sperm sample in 1985, biologists in London have found that more intelligent men had better sperm production, concentration and mobility. The opposite was true for less intelligent men.

Professor Edna Gonads, who headed the research team, said the findings suggest that there is a strong underlying biological connection to health in general.

"It seems that healthy men have strong minds and strong testicles," explained Professor Gonads. "Conversely, unhealthy men were at the back of the queue when they were handing out brains and balls, unfortunately."

Given the statesticle significance of the findings, thousands of psychologists world-wide have been made redundant overnight as costly and time consuming Intelligence Quotient (IQ) tests are being replaced with SQ (Sperm Quality) tests.

"It used to take several hours to administer, score and report an IQ score by giving various mental tests to men," explained former psychologist Fly Tree. "But now all we have to do is give them a plastic cup and a magazine and it's over in 5 minutes."

"Not only that, but group IQ tests are very unreliable. But group SQ tests are just as accurate as individual ones, so even more of a savings there, particularly in the military and in prisons."

Dr Fly Tree also explained that IQ test results could be affected by the 'practice effect' where participants could potentially study and prepare for the test with inflated results.

"So far, we haven't seen any 'practice effect' with the SQ tests," said Dr Fly Tree, "except in pubescent boys. But that's not a problem really as we're hoping for inflated results."

Dr Fly Tree cautioned that men should still receive their SQ tests from qualified professionals and not rely upon results obtained from questionable internet sites such as spunkquotient.cum.

Based on the new evidence that sperm quality predicts intelligence, the BBC has decided to axe its popular quiz show, QI, and replace it with QS. Male contestants will attempt to answer difficult brain teasers and then provide a sperm sample. The contestant with the highest correlation between their sperm quality and cleaver answers will win.

Unfortunately for him, the BBC has announced that it will be replacing the current QI host, brainy Stephen Fry, in the new QS series after analysing Fry's sperm sample. "He sure had us fooled all these years," smirked the Beeb's new Vice President for Testicular Development.

The balls and brains research has also been further expanded in a study done at the London School of Fine Arts.

Dr Nude Live-Drawing has reported his findings that not only are the balls and brain related in men, but that each testicle correlates to either the brain's left or right hemisphere.

"We all know that left-brain people are more logical and analytical and right-brain people tend to be more artistic and emotional," ranted Dr Live-Drawing.

"In my work, I've noticed that men almost always have one testicle hanging lower than the other. We've tested it, and the lower hanging testicle is the dominant one."

"Since the nerves are twisted between brain and body, if your left nut is lower, then you're right-brain dominant, and more artistic," said Dr Live-Drawing.

"Here at the London School of Fine Arts, we now encourage young men with left hanging balls to apply. Of course, if you are a right hanging applicant, you may have other redeeming features, but we will require a sperm sample," added Dr Live-Drawing, reaching into his trousers and conspicuously readjusting his left hanging testicle.

Scientific research generally just sheds light on common wisdom. Many ordinary people from all walks of life are now agreeing with Dr Gonad's findings that ballsy men are brainy.

According to one source, Monica Lewinsky has stated she knew Bill Clinton was a highly intelligent man after just one gulp. And that's saying a mouthful.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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