Written by IainB

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

250% of university students are either male or female

After a £350million boost to the eduction of maths and science in the UK, the signs are encouraging that it is working.

"Last year we saw a seven percent increase in students enrolling on maths courses," John Denham, secretary for Universities said. "That's a thousand more students than the three and a half thousand who attended last year.

"In addition, there has been a one hundred and twenty percent increase in the percentage of students getting firsts. Indeed, students are now answering on average six of the five questions on the papers. It's quite remarkable."

Statistics now show that there are more teachers of maths than ever before. The average maths teachers last year were thirty-seven, and now it is over five thousand. There are on average up to six teachers per 8.3 students, so each student has three teachers all to themselves now, and it is thought that this has contributed to a sevenfold rise in the number of students who are above average. For a given value of 'teacher'.

Although maths students now outnumber other students two to one (up from seven to one), as a proportion of the total number of students entering university, the numbers have stayed roughly constant. This has meant that an increase of student grants has been allocated to the maths students, giving them a 20% proportion of the total.

Evidence that chemistry student numbers are increasing was deemed immiscible, whilst sociology students refused to be counted in the totals. The physics increase could not be split from the total; whilst the biology student numbers appear not to have grown at all.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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