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Saturday, 18 October 2008

image for Stayin' Alive can Kill You Softly
This karaoke singer is wanted in five states for criminal negligence for skipping beats while performing CPR

Atlanta, GA - The Center for Musical Disease Control in Atlanta has announced that the Bee Gees' hit song "Stayin' Alive" has one of the best beats for performing CPR. The song played during John Travolta's famous dancing scene in Saturday Night Fever.

Stayin'Alive, with 103 beats per minute, almost perfectly matches the American Heart Association's call for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) for persons in cardiac arrest.

However, the CMDC cautioned that skipping beats in the song could actually end up killing people. Chief Cardiologist, Dr Arrhythmia, has written in the Journal of the American Musical Association that this highly scientific technique must be only used by trained professionals.

According to Dr Arrhythmia, "We've had cases reported to us where karaoke singers have tried to save people having heart attacks in karaoke bars. Some of them have missed entire verses of the song and just hum along stupidly with the refrain until they can catch back up with the video monitor. It's criminal."

Dr Arrhythmia further cautioned against home use of the Stayin' Alive CPR technique. "The worse offenders seem to be people using music video games like Rock Band with their friends at home."

"Invariably, one of them goes into cardiac arrest, usually the drummer, and then the vocalist tries to perform CPR. These idiots already think they're the Bee Gees when their monitor screen tells them they are on track for 25% of the song. Well, you need more than 25 beats per minute to save a human life."

The Stayin' Alive research has spawned a host of other studies on the impact of music on human health.

Leading French cardiologist, Dr Cyanosis De Fibrillation, has announced that her studies suggest that it is not only the song, but also the performer and arrangement and the patient that make a difference. "Mais oui compared the effects of CPR with the Roberta Flack ballad and Fugees hip hop versions of Killing Me Softly," reported Dr De Fibrillation.

"We only had a survival rate of about 17% with both songs. However, what was interesting was that more older people survived with the hip hop version and more younger people survived with Roberta Flack version. Mon Oeil! We weren't expecting that result."

Other researchers think there is a placebo effect at work. A study in Denmark looked at the Danish parody version of Killing Me Softly, by Shu-Bi-Dua entitled "Kylling med Soft Ice". The English translation is "Chicken with Soft Ice".

Danish researcher, Hans Christian Aneurysm, told this reporter that he doubts there are real medical reasons to explain the results. "Ya, when we played the Danish parody, Chicken with Soft Ice, we got the same results as with the original version of the song. There's nothing in the literature to suggest that chicken and soft ice can cure heart attacks. It's all in their heads not their hearts."

In London, the Royal Society of Musicardiology is investigating claims that Queen's hit, Another One Bites The Dust, with Freddie Mercury, is saving lives. RSM chairwoman, Lady Edema Catheter turned blue in the face when reporters suggested that the song conveyed the wrong message to cardiac patients.

According to Lady Edema, just the opposite is true. "Freddie Mercury and Queen have been saving lives in Britain for decades. We've tried out Freddie Mercury doggy style on a couple of minor royals and the Queen's corgis and he fits perfectly. Already two bitches and one duke have been saved."

"If anything happens to Her Majesty, you can bet that the Royal Physician will immediately lay Freddie Mercury on her. We're proposing that our national anthem be changed from God Save the Queen to Queen Save the Queen."

Meanwhile, John Travolta who famously danced to Stayin' Alive in Saturday Night Fever, was interviewed while piloting his private Boeing 747 to Bali for a holiday.

"It's worked for me," beamed Travolta, flashing that famous smile. "Well you can't tell by the way I use my walk that I'm 96 years old and have suffered 16 heart attacks for being so overweight. But as soon as I start drifting towards that bright light, my life flashes before me and that damned song comes into my mind. Ah, ha, ha, ha, I'll probably live forever at this rate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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