Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 9 October 2008

image for Google Announces New Search Function, Interprets Subconscious Thought
A Depraved Google Designer

Shifting technology enhancement in a new direction, Google announced today that it will offer a dramatic new way to surf the Internet without the user ever typing a single word.

Plugging into a standard USB port on any computer, Google's new "Brainwave Interactive Thought Controlling Hypertext", translates subconscious thoughts into pure text that gets automatically populated into Google's existing search engine.

Developed and tested by Google's advanced technology department, the device captures thoughts automatically and immediately takes your search to those websites. The brain waves are also filtered so that true subconscious direction takes control over speech and the conscious left brain.

"So like if you tell your mom that you're on Wikipedia, but you're subconsciously thinking about porn, B.I.T.C.H. takes you right to the good porn sites." Hugh Jarekshen, Google's chief designer says. "The B.I.T.C.H. is wicked awesome, and like, the coolest."

Advanced testing of the B.I.T.C.H. system found that the brainwave technology did not translate women's subconscious thoughts as successfully. "That was their mistake." Technology critic Buster Nuckles says. "The developers are a bunch of male, twenty-something, sexually frustrated geeks. Of course the device is going to take the user to porn sites."

Google corrected the design error by quickly developing a sister product. Known as "Brainwave Alternative Search Translation And Return Display" or B.A.S.T.A.R.D. for short, women's true subconscious thoughts are more accurately captured. One female testing engineer commented, "The B.A.S.T.A.R.D. does what I want it to do, and interprets my thoughts perfectly. Even when I tell my boyfriend I'm just reading e-mail, the B.A.S.T.A.R.D. takes me right to the best discounted shoe sites. Let's just say my brain is pre-tuned to Bloomingdales."

B.I.T.C.H. and B.A.S.T.A.R.D. should be available for download before the holidays, just in time for porn video promotions and pre-Christmas designer shoe and handbag sales.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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