District of Columbia - Based on the testimony of an anonymous prisoner at Guantanamo known only as "Enemy Combatant Number 242", Vice President Cheney has accused Al Qaeda of causing the largest explosive event ever in the universe -- The Big Bang.
Scientists immediately pointed out that there is no evidence to support this claim.
"Believe what they will," said Cheney. "My job is to protect U.S. interests. And my sources indicate that the blast was originally centered in the vicinity of Waziristan."
Upon hearing the news, President Bush immediately called for an attack on the Moon because (quote) That must be where Osama Bin Laden is hiding! (unquote).
"We have further evidence to suggest that North Korea was involved," added Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "Namely the detected presence of garlic and mugwort residue in some of the earliest proto-stars."
Within minutes of the announcement, the Homeland Security Advisory System for Americans living on the moon was changed from GRAY to DARK GRAY.