Construction finally resumes on Stonehenge after a delay of more than a millennium, nearly as long as The Rolling Stones have waited to return to Blackpool.
This month's resumption of the long-interrupted Stonehenge construction project will be partially funded by the Neolithic Druid Society of East Lancashire with the balance paid by the British Museum Antiquities Directorate. The initial beautification effort will focus on tidying up the many tumbled and tilted stones, long a troublesome Wiltshire eyesore.
In a parallel Antiquities Directorate effort, Blackpool Resort's longstanding ban against The Rolling Stones coming within a hundred miles of their property, has finally been lifted.
The mummified hell-raisers were banned following frenzied riots that saw fans rip up seats, then throw bottles and Byzantine artifacts at the band, after Empress Theodora reportedly spat on guitarist Brian Jones for missing a chord. How she noticed remains a mystery.
Researchers believe these two projects represent British heritage at its finest, and anticipate a brisk return via ticket sales to antiquarians interested in Paleolithic stones and stoned Paleolithic musicians.
The researchers leading the project are two of the UK's leading experts on Stones - Professor Darvon, of the University of Bournemouth, and Sister Morphine, of the Sisterhood of Antiquarian Geologists. Both projects are slated to begin with a team of carbon-dating experts working to establish the precise age of the antiquities.
The renovation of these two ancient UK landmarks is being filmed by the BBC for a special Timewatch programme to be broadcast in the autumn.
BBC Timewatch editor Bobby Darren told reporters that the team had "a real chance of unlocking the twin mysteries of Stonehenge and The Stones, their purpose and inexplicable longevity.
"After all, they just seem so bloody old and useless."
Tragic Rabbit, Science Today, Salisbury
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