Written by Zack Matheson
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Topics: Scientists, fuck

Thursday, 10 January 2008

image for Academics Define Parameters of "F*ck"
Hot as fuck.

TEMPE, AZ -- Scientists and language professors at Arizona State University have joined forces to take the ambiguity out of the use of the word "fuck".

Dwayne Gilroy, an English professor of twenty years, organized the joint venture with fellow academics after years of being frustrated by various usages of the four letter word.

"People would say 'it's hot as fuck outside' or 'he's dumb as fuck' and that sort of thing and I'd wonder what the hell does that mean exactly?" says Professor Gilroy with a slight shrug.

Gilroy decided on a joint venture with members of the Earth Sciences and Chemistry Departments to define what "fuck" was.

"If someone says 'it's hot as fuck outside,'" explains Winston Dexter, the Assistant Dean of the ASU Chemistry Department, "What that person is referring to is a temperature of approximately one hundred and fifty eight degrees Fahrenheit or seventy degrees Celsius. Saying 'it's cold as fuck' refers to a temperature of roughly negative twenty seven degrees or negative thirty two degrees Celsius."

Professor Gilroy has concluded that being 'drunk as fuck' means having a blood alcohol level equal to or exceeding the intoxication levels of Mel Gibson or Lindsey Lohan or "possibly Faye Dunaway" and 'ugly as fuck' is when someone has a physical appearance similar to rotten meat or an angry rhino or is about as photogenic as an old man's scrotum.

Professor Gilroy plans to publish his paper entitled "The Parameters of Fuck" sometime soon on TheSpoof.com.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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