Written by Noshing Mink
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Thursday, 6 September 2007

image for Americans to learn 'English'
A typical British "classroom" - as alien to Americans as rugby, roundabouts and the Royal Family

The US Government has announced that it will adopt English as its national language. English will be taught at schools. The business of government will be conducted in English. Even Hollywood films will be re-made in English.

Secretary of State Condiments Rice, widely regarded as one of the cleverest Americans in the world, said:

"I am excited at the prospect that Americans will learn to speak English. I am nervous about learning how to spell, for example putting a 'u' into words such as 'colour' and adopting proper rules of grammar, such as the use of adverbs rather than adjectives to describe verbs."

The new educational programme has been nicknamed Pygmalion after the Bernard Shaw play about teaching a Cockney flower girl how to talk proper. However, English Professors at Balliol College, Oxford, are pessimistic about its chances of success.

Professor Pickering said that physiological differences prevent Americans from speaking English properly.

"Most of these chaps have a nasal twang. Particularly the women. In the southern states, they talk as if they are retching. They call it the Southern drawl. You need a stiff upper lip to speak English and they simply haven't got one."

Others were less polite in expressing their pessimism. Professor Higgins said:

"Give a monkey a suit and he's still a monkey."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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