Written by The WB
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Topics: Survey

Sunday, 22 February 2004

image for Number Of Electronic Devices That Actually Work Correctly On The Rise
A Tokyo vendor displays his wide assortment of possibly-reliable mobile phones.

A survey released by the World Trade Organization reveals that as many as 44% of electronic devices worldwide actually worked correctly last year, an increase from 39% the year prior.

While toasters and electric blankets stayed at their traditional level of mediocrity, the correct functioning of mobile phones increased dramatically last year to 20%, an increase of 19.5 percentage points, as the mobile phone industry worked feverishly to alleviate "dead spots" such as train stations, interstate highways and the entire island of Manhattan. Cable television conversion boxes hovered at their usual 70%, as the electronics industry struggles to find the elusive bug in their equipment that causes the boxes to lose signal just at the climax of an intense drama or in the final 30 seconds of a close game.

Microsoft hailed the study as evidence that their products don't suck 61 out of every 100 times they're used.

"No one can any longer say that our software packages crash and lose our customers hundreds of hours of work and millions of dollars of lost profits 61% of the time," Microsoft overlord Bill Gates said at a press conference via Internet video linkup, during which Gates' words were indistinguishable from static. "I'm sure customers appreciate that they now only suffer crippling obscure internal address errors on 56% of the machines that use our operating systems."

"We are thrilled to hear that more things are actually working correctly," WTO General Council chair Carlos Perez del Castillo yelled at a press conference in Silicon Valley over tremendous feedback. "As more things actually work the way they were designed to, we'll be sure to see great improvements in economics and social welfare, as well in as the area of accidental deaths from people punching the fuck out of their monitors out of frustration while the power is on."

In a press release on its web site, The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names agreed, stating "404 Not Found -- Apache/1.3.27 Server at www.icann.org Port 80".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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