Written by King David
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Saturday, 7 April 2007

image for Researchers identify gene affecting dog penis size
This dog could have a nine-inch penis

Scientists at the National Institutes of Health were baffled to find a breed of Chihuahua with a nine-inch penis and wondered why all the other breeds that they studied didn't have this evolutionary or man-made development.

Nathan Sutter and his team of scientists at the NIH (Nothing Intuitive Here) says that this particular breed of Chihuahua may have adapted such a large penis as an evolutionary means of survival.

"When you're so small a breed like the Chihuahua is you have to have something to attract the opposite sex, so that you can mate and insure that your genes will be passed on," said Sutter.

"The problem is two-fold for these little guys with the nine-inch wangers:

One, now you have a breed of dog that is really more suited to mate with an Irish wolfhound than it's own kind, which doesn't even get to nine-inches in its full-body length.

And, two, you have a creature that is completely helpless in all other areas of it's life except mating. It can't walk to it's food dish. It can't run. It can barely lift itself up off the ground and will only make the effort if it is going to mate."

The largest dog that Sutter says he has ever seen was an Irish Wolfhound named Merlin. He was 80 times the size of the smallest, a Chihuahua named Frenchie.

But Frenchie, Sutter says was enormous. "He's the size of a horse."

Penis enlargement companies have contacted Sutter and his delirious team of scientists to find out if there was a way to market this gene and make it usable for humans.

"We could really sell a product like this to the public," says marketing analyst John Holmes Jr. of The Human Sausage Corporation.

But Sutter says that the research is still in preliminary stages.

To find out how the dog genome generates such large and small animal packages, Sutter and other researchers studied the Portuguese water dog that uses it's rather large appendage as a rudder.

Elaine Ostrander runs the genetics lab at NIH (Nothing Invented Here):

"These dogs were actually used by fisherman to send messages between boats," Ostrander says. "They would herd the fish into nets using their lengthy rudders to guide them. When necessary, they can also retrieve fish or articles from the water using their penis as a spearpoint when it's thrust out of the sheath, perfect for spear fishing. They were also used to guard the fishing boats, and they could be used to help bring in the nets."

Portuguese water dogs come in both big and small sizes and have been bred, over the years, to have more aerodynamic sheaths to cut through the water easier and sharper points on their penises to spear fish.

The researchers analyzed Portuguese water dog DNA and found a single gene - what Ostrander calls a masturbation regulator enhancer- that seems to account for a big part of the size difference. Small Portuguese water dogs had one version, while larger Portuguese water dogs had different versions.

To apply their theory on all breeds, Ostrander and her team took several years and visited dog shows, parks, restaurants, hotels and beauty salons, anywhere where dogs could be found. They pried open their mouths and took swabs of DNA from inside their cheeks, trying not to get bitten in the process.

The results came in. And just as with the Portuguese water dogs, the small breeds had one variant of the gene, while big dogs had different variants.

But what caused this variant to occur? Why were some dongs larger than others?

Ostrander points to the possibility that humans may have been an evolutionary force. After dongs became domesticated, she says that some of the DNA may not have been copied right, producing a smaller dog with the large penis.

After all, modern dogs are the offspring of grey wolves with nine-inch penises.

"We really, really don't know," says Paul Jones from the Waltham Pet Center, in England, who, with his team of scientists, put in excruciatingly long and painful hours on the project.

"It was just a very, very lucky event," Jones says. "And it's probably lucky for man as well. Now, we have something else to laugh at, and these little Chihuahuas kind of remind us of ourselves sometimes, life's endless freak shows and accidents."

Jones says that he hopes that the study of dog genomes may lead to healthier sex lives for all mammals.

In other news today, the Bush terrier in the White House tears up an 18th Century sofa that George Washington was reported to has sat in. The only thing Bush said to the dog was "atta boy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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