Psychology Returns to its Old but Unhappy Roots

They are calling it: "The Scientific Pursuit of Happiness: optimism, gratitude, mindfulness, hope, spirituality". Positive Psychology is all the rage on some campuses but the deeply rooted traditions of modern psychology are reasserting themselves.

"Psychology began as a science of sickness. What's all this crap about happiness!": insists Freudian Segismund Dremweber. "Give me neurosis, psychosis and every big and little illness in between! This is the stuff of Psychology. You want happy? I'll give you happy right from my big bright hypodermic needle!"

Behaviorist Renniks F.B. , famous for being the child BF Skinner raised in his infamous "Skinner Box" actually agreed with his usual Freudian opponents: "Happy, Shmappy- try growing up in a box that takes care of all your needs and then tell me humans can be happy. Trained , yes, happy, no way!"

Psychologists from around the world gathered to renounce the new positive psychology. Workshops with titles like "Optimism -in a pig's eye", "Drop gratitude-get attitude", "Mindfulness is full of shitfulness", "Hope is for Dopes!" and "Imbibe Spirituality with care" were led by famous psychologists from all the major universities.

At the end of the week long rebuttal of positive psychology , countless therapists reported a significant rise in their clientele. Most new cases have been diagnosed with ogmhs syndrome, a strange new psychological ailment characterized by pessimism, ingratitude, preoccupation with the past and the future,despair and materialistic obsession.The cure is thought to lie in decades of psychoanalysis, heavy medication or being raised in a Skinner box.