Written by Gail Farrelly
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Topics: NASA, Rubbish

Monday, 20 November 2006

image for Nervous Nellies Look Upward as NASA Allows Intergalactic Dumping
"That's confirmed Houston, shuttle one has performed a successful dump"

NASA has always talked about responsible waste management, but is there change on the way? Believe it or not, the agency will soon be allowing the International Space Station's crew to simply open the door and throw out certain kinds of useless equipment!

Not to worry, NASA claims, assuring all who will listen that what's discarded will burn up in the atmosphere. Yeah right. Not everyone is convinced.

Peter Paranoia and neighbor Norman Noluck are both outraged by NASA's planned change of policy. Peter points out that the rest of us, in throwing out our garbage, have to follow all sorts of rules (sorting recyclables in containers of different colors, finding out what is acceptable to be left for sanitation crews, and of course when and how). "Why should things be any different for NASA?" Peter whined. He added, "Astronauts get to wear those cute little suits and then they think they can get away with anything. We'd all like to just open the door and pitch our garbage out, but oh no -- only astronauts can do that."

His greatest fear is that he'll be sunning himself in his yard one day when NASA's garbage suddenly falls out of the sky, right on his head. "It could happen like that, you know," he announced to The Spoof reporter. "Just my luck. Then I'll be left to dust myself off, if I'm still alive, and figure out how to get rid of all that junk without breaking the local laws about garbage disposal."

Norman Noluck, nodding in assent as Peter expressed his concerns, added another one, having just learned that a Russian cosmonaut will soon be launching a golf shot from outside the International Space Station. "First garbage, then golf balls. Are they crazy? Don't they have more important things to do up there?" Norman asks. He complains, "I'll be out walking my dog, and the first thing you know I'll take a hit in the noggin from an errant golf ball from space!"

Peter and Norman are taking no chances. They plan on wearing suits of armor when outdoors. For indoor wearing apparel, they have fashioned for themselves beanie caps to which are attached huge, sturdy, golf-sized umbrellas.

"We thought it all out," Norman Noluck reports, "and we're taking action." Peter Paranoia agreed. Looking upward, he told The Spoof reporter, "Someone up there may not like us. If they decide to dump on us, we want to be prepared."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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