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Saturday, 8 March 2014

SILICONE VALLEY, CA - Google CEO Eric Schmidt says his company is making "progress" in its campaign to solve the unemployment crisis once and for all time by replacing human beings with robots.

"By making people redundant," Schmidt said, "we no longer need them. Instead, we replace them with robots, and, presto, like magic, the unemployment crisis is, like human beings, a thing of the past."

President Barack Obummer praised Google for its "innovative solution" to the chronic unemployment problem that has plagued his administration. "Once more, technology comes to the aid of our countrymen," he gushed, 'and women."

Robots, Schmidt said, can and will replace humans whose work consists of "repetitive tasks" such as punching time clocks or signing documents.

"If you want to have a job in the future," Schmidt declared, "you'd better brush up on your programming skills." Only computer programmers will be needed in the next decade and beyond, the chairman told his company's shareholders.

Women and African-Americans, especially, need to learn how to do more than "use" computers; they must learn to build and program them, if they want to remain gainfully employed, Schmidt proclaimed. The alternative will be "unemployment, government assistance and, under Obummercare, possibly "extermination."

It's not only blue-collar workers whose jobs will be at stake, Schmidt warned. "Anyone who is unwilling to have a microchip installed in his or her brain is likely to find him- or herself unemployed." Schmidt is brushing up on his own skills. "It's conceivable that a robot could one day run Google," he admitted, "just as, in the form of Bill Gates, one now runs Microsoft."

Google's robotic Director of Ideas added, "We believe Americans will be able to adapt to these environmental changes, but we are not so sure about Europeans and Asians, whose cultural values do not seem to embrace change for change's sake."

Google's news may be especially troublesome to illegal immigrants, may of whom do the repetitive tasks that robots will be able to perform much more efficiently. "Picking fruit, sweeping floors, mowing lawns, emptying garbage, and mugging people are all tasks," Schmidt predicted, "that our robots can do better than Mexicans and other immigrants, legal and otherwise."

"Don't say you weren't warned," Obummer warned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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