Written by Felix Minderbinder
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 26 October 2006

image for US FDA Finds MSG To Be a "Highly Effective" Rat Poison
An MSG-fed mouse

WASHINGTON (Reuters)--The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has found that Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) is a "highly effective" poison for rats, mice, and other vermin in its regulatory circular FDA--WTF/OMG--9876452.

"MSG kills rats so quickly that they are often stone dead in minutes," said FDA Chief Ralph Roachman in an interview. "I've never seen anything like it."

He went on to explain that both MSG and Aspartame are so-called "excitotoxins" which dramatically promote cancer growth, metastasis and many other diseases.

"FDA scientists have found that when cancer cells are exposed to MSG, they became extremely mobile, just like exposure to Aspartame," he explained. "The cancer cells developed little feet called pseudopods and started marching quickly through tissues and spreading the disease. There is also extensive DNA damage which also accelerates the cancers."

"So when you increase MSG in the diet, cancer just grows like wildfire," he chortled. "The rats quickly die of leukemia or lymphoma or brain cancer or some other deadly disease."

Donald Rumsfeld helped discover this horrifying health effect when he was chairman of the G.D. Searle company, he noted.

Roachman added that the rats and mice may also die of obesity because there are numerous glutamate receptors in all organs and tissues.

Thus when consuming MSG, the level of glutamate in the blood rises 20-fold, leading to explosive diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, reflux, sudden cardiac death, and gross childhood obesity.

"MSG-exposed animals prefer carbohydrates and sugars over protein-rich foods, which is a key characteristic of that type of obesity," Roachman continued.

"It's impossible to exercise the weight off or diet it off. The appetite is out of control, and the metabolism is also out of control. So if cancer doesn't kill the rats, they will die obese in a few weeks from some other terrifying disease, such as diabetes, autoimmune disorder, autism, or neurodegenerative diseases such as dementia, brain atrophy, seizures, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's."

Home Depot has expressed an interest in marketing the new rat poison in its stores, he added.

Make Felix Minderbinder's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 5?

8 15 7 14

Go to top ^