Written by Gail Farrelly
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Tuesday, 17 October 2006

image for Nobel Prize Winners Attempting to Silence 'Pig' Gene in Men

The winners of a 2006 Nobel for their groundbreaking research in the field of gene silencing have been working on a top-secret project: gene therapy aimed at silencing the gene that causes pig-type behavior in men. The research is still in a preliminary stage. However, last year a group of ten women with especially piggy husbands volunteered to have their men serve as test subjects in an initial test of the drug. The results so far are mixed.

In the view of Sarah Shrugger, the gene therapy provided to her husband has achieved some limited success. She reports, "He still plunks himself in front of the TV every night and remains there for hours; but at least he doesn't scratch his crotch quite as much. Oh and yeah, he remembers to put the toilet seat down once in a while, instead of forgetting ALL the time."

Patricia Patience agrees with that general evaluation, adding that her husband Patrick has silenced to SOME extent the huge burps he produces at the dinner table. "I wouldn't rave about his table manners; but I have to admit that his burps are a little softer and less frequent. Oh, and also, he no longer challenges our teenaged sons to burping contests. Thank heavens, I was beginning to think they'd need the gene therapy too."

There were a few naysayers. Roberta Reticent reports that her husband Robert has become less "piggy," but it's not all good news. She's not sure she likes the transformation, telling friends, "He doesn't eat with the same gusto. He used to scarf down several helpings of my award-winning chicken potpie. Now one helping seems to satisfy him; and he eats it so 'delicately' it's almost creepy." Moreover, behavior in the kitchen doesn't tell the whole story. Roberta points out, "When it comes to the bedroom, Fuhgedaboutit. Lets put it this way. He used to come on like a lion. Now he's more like a lamb. Or a Stepford husband, or something."

Sally StatusQuo was one of the few wives who did NOT push her husband into gene therapy. She's been quoted as saying, "I knew he was a pig when I married him. He can oink as much as he wants, but he'd better remember that he's MY pig and not stray from the StatusQuo Trough, where he's fathered six piglets!"

So what's the story? Is suppression of the pig gene in males a good thing? For now, the jury's still out. And you guessed it! We're talking about an all-female jury -- a jury that seems to be heeding Sir Roger de Coverley's advice that "there is much to be said on both sides."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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