Written by John Langlois
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Topics: Food, Animals

Tuesday, 17 October 2006

image for FDA to send in "The Clones"
It's a Deja-MOO experience

Just when Americans thought their food choices couldn't get any more bizarre, the Food and Drug Administration has once again caved under the political pressure brought by large agribusiness groups seeking approval of "cloned animals" for human food.

However, having never performed any primary research pertaining to the food groups they approve for public consumption, an FDA spokesman was quite startled to learn that the first batch of "clone burgers" will come from the "two-headed" cow displays that frequently travel with the local circus.

"I thought cloning had something to do with cell replication., he said. I didn't know we approved people pulling dead two-headed cows out of formaldehyde. Who runs this outfit, anyway?" he growled.

An industry spokesman, seeking to put a more positive spin on the announcement said,

"We are proud to announce our latest food product, "Twice-Born Horn."

"We thought it was wonderfully symbolic to use the two-headed cow for the first product run.

It's kind of a "Deja-MOO" experience."

Speaking privately to a reporter he noted,

"Look, this is just until we get the cloning perfected. We can't seem to get past that "tough and chewy aspect that comes with aging clone cells."
Madison Avenue is already in high gear. The first ads will feature a picture of the two-headed cow "Daisy and Maisy" as a background chorus sings (Apologies to Frosty Morn):

"Chew it over and over and over again:
Twice-born horn:
Chew it over and over and over again:
Twice-born horn:

The height of a "cloney's ambition:
From the day they are cloned:
They hope that they will be good enough:
To be a twice-born horn."

When asked why anyone would go to the expense of cloning cows when mother nature has reproduced them for eons, a spokesman noted,

"It's harder for cows to get pregnant now, due to the pollution and confinement conditions that the large meat people use. Bull sterility is serious problem, too. Besides, once people buy into this, it's just two more steps to growing the food right in the can. Add a little MSG and we're home free."

The taste testing party planned for the product announcement was cancelled, due to a lack public interest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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