Written by Tania Lewis
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

image for Cloning the Woolly Mammoth: Discoveries of possible DNA samples suggest that hunters have the rare opportunity to annihilate the Mammoth in the 21st century.
Double Helix is double the pleasure

Science Daily: New York, NY. Geneticists and Members of The National Hunting Association have formed an alliance to galvanize research and fund one of the greatest feats of the 21st century, to resurrect the Woolly Mammoth, hunt it, and kill it.

This extinct giant coexisted with early humans. It disappeared from its mainland range at the end of the Pleistocene 10,000 years ago, returning briefly in the 20th century to play the role of Big Bird's "scapegoat" friend Snuffleupagus on PBS' Sesame Street.

Kenneth Miller, spokesperson and member of The National Hunting Association says, "It is such an exciting time to be alive. I realize how fortunate I am to be among the few of the first modern humans to witness the reemergence of a pre-historic animal. And hopefully, and with God's blessing, I'll be chosen to be a member of the elite hunting teams that gets to shoot it."

The Mammoth most likely "peaced-out" from existence through a combination of climate change and the consequent disappearance of its habitat. Unfortunately, the mammoth was a little over-dressed for the emerging temperate climate. One Mammoth stated, "I can't speak for all of us, but I always figured it's important to pack for all occasions, you know, better be safe than sorry. I just didn't expect the last occasionÂ… to be the end of the ice-age."

There is some discrepancy on whether humans actually hunted the mammoths. The primitive tools available, probably couldn't accomplish a car-jacking, let alone the assassination of a 16-foot tall furry elephant with an attitude. Stone tools, arrows, an occasional spear were no match for the shear immensity of the Woollies.

One pre-historic man Gehquew, claims, "I am sick and tired of our descendants selling us out. Sticks and stones may break my brothers' bones, but against a mammoth an arrowhead is nothing but a lint brush!"

People, most likely, ravaged on the meat of the already deceased corpse (Yuck), and used its bones and tusks for making cave art, more primitive and useless tools, and dwellings. Archeologists believe that the materials extracted from the corpses was the nascence of sheetrock.

The key to cloning a woolly mammoth may be locked into the Siberian permafrost. In 2012, some eskimo kid was playing in the warmth of -10 degree Siberian afternoon, when he discovered the body of juvenile mammoth with 30,000 years' worth of unpaid parking tickets.

"Scientists have already decoded 70% of the woolly mammoth's genome, now if they can get their asses to the grindstone and figure out the remaining 30%, we'll be in business," exclaimed, Miller.

Living cells are necessary to engage in the procedure that would produce a baby mammoth, according to Chris Norris (No relation to action film star) senior collection manager for vertebrate paleontology at Yale's Peabody Museum. Only living cells contain an intact nucleus, complete with the starter kit of woolly mammoth DNA, charger, and batteries.

Such a nucleus can be inserted into a elephant embryo, with a little soft music and Chardonnay- a technique pioneered by a group of Japanese researchers last year (because they already figured out everything else) - and then coaxed into becoming a real, live mammoth clone.

When asked why he feels like cloning the mammoth and then hunting it is important to the human experience, Miller has this to say, "It's just unfortunate that our species never had the proper technology to take down these imposing beasts thousands of years ago. They are an absolute gold mine and not exactly fast like a lion or tiger-what an easy target. Now we have a complete arsenal of artillery that can get the job done."

Animal rights activist, Vera Boseman, college freshman, 2012 prom queen, and yearly blood donor is appalled, "how can these scientists make an Elephant want to have another species offspring, it seems like animal rape to me."

Make Tania Lewis's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 3?

8 22 6 12

Go to top