Written by Aspartame Boy
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Topics: Dogs, Aspartame, heart

Saturday, 11 May 2013

image for Owning a dog good for the heart: RISK
Found in several spots in Dr. Ogpharte's apartment

New studies have shown that owning a dog can be good for your heart, but has the risk of exposing you to malodorous digestive byproducts commonly produced in the large intestine when certain bacteria are present in combination with certain foodstuffs normally ingested by canines, a new study by Dr. D. Ogpharte, published in May in the Journal Digestion.

After outlining the cardiological benefits of owning a dog, due mostly to the ridiculously obvious connection to increased exercise due to wishing to have the dog perform its elimination functions as far from one's abode as possible (duh), Dr. Ogpharte then revealed the subtle risks to one's olfactory senses that go along with such benefits.

"I could bore you with a lot of scientific terminology, but basically, I discovered that dogs pass a lot of gas, poop on the carpet, stink. They are sort of like beans:

"Beans beans beans
Are good for your heart
The more you eat
The more you fart

"Or something like that. My great-great-great grandfather wrote the original poem."

After concluding the interview with Dr. Ogpharte, I learned that he was an avid consumer of larger than 32 - ounce aspartame sweetened beverages.. and he smelled very badly. This was probably due to the 30 dogs that lived with him for his study.

UPDATE

Sadly, Dr. Ogpharte was found dead of a heart attack and eaten by his dogs yesterday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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