Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

image for Dyson money sanitisers now on sale
That money needs laundering

James Dyson, Britain's answer to Sir Clive Sinclair, has topped his trumps with his latest invention in the personal hygiene market: The Personalised Home Money Sanitiser.

"This is a major step forward in cleanliness," said James Dyson. "We all know that money is dirty. There's a phrase: dirty money. That's where it comes from. Money that is filthy."

The personalised home money sanitiser solves this age old problem of filthy lucre by providing a quick, efficient way of laundering money.

"Money changes hands a lot," said Dyson. "Who knows how many times that coin has fallen on the floor, been in a pocket with bacteria laden sweets, sucked by a small child with horrendous diseases or used as a makeshift screwdriver to unblock a chemical toilet? Additionally, notes are just as bad, with every note in circulation having detectable traces of cocaine on them, this gives an indication of the kind of disgusting past our money has."

The personalised home money sanitiser will be a boon for food shops.

"Many food shops require their staff to wear gloves while handling food," said Dyson. "But how many take off the gloves when taking money off customers? Very few, let me tell you. I can virtually guarantee that the money you give them is more disease laden than their hands. They then touch food with those gloves. I've stopped buying pasties since I found this out."

The sanitiser is very easy to use. Money is put inside, it's switched on, and fifteen minutes later, it is sterile.

"We're expecting it to be a big seller," said Dyson. "It's initial price is £99.99. At first we expect OCD suffers to be the major purchasers, but as demand increases, which we're sure it will, the price will fall."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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