Written by Gail Farrelly
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Friday, 28 September 2012

image for Minnie the Mermaid Speaks Out Against the Stalking of Sharks
"Can you hear me now? Mind your own business."

Wearing a Donna Karan tube dress of soft pink and diamond jewelry by Harry Winston, Minnie held a press conference in NYC yesterday off a pier at the South Street Seaport in lower Manhattan. She attracted a big crowd and spoke for ten minutes straight; she paused only to sip from a large bottle of Evian water.

With a tear in her eye, Minnie told the audience that her friends, the sharks, are frightened, angry, and appalled by the attempts of scientists to tag them with GPS devices and monitor their every move. "It's a disgrace...glug, glug, glug...," the mermaid said.

She continued, "How would YOU like to have someone constantly follow you around to know where you are and what you are doing every moment of the day and night?" Minnie pointed out that there are anti-stalking laws that prevent humans from doing this to each other, so it seems unfair that humans are allowed to do it to the residents of the ocean community.

"Why can't scientists mind their own business?" the mermaid asked with a shrug. "Let them do their research on the land and leave the ocean to us." SpongeBob SquarePants and his pet snail, Gary -- both seated in the first row at the press conference -- nodded in agreement.

Before diving back into the ocean, Minnie did some shopping for new furniture for her seaweed bungalow at the bottom of the sea. Her old furniture, bought 70 years ago, has become water damaged. "They don't make things like they used to," she said with a sigh.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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