Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Cows, corn, ranch, candy corn

Thursday, 6 September 2012

image for Candy Corn-Fed Cows Are Much More Hyper
Some of Atticus Grumpletoy's hyper candy corn-fed cows. (Photo by Brixie Grumpletoy).

PADUCAH, Kentucky - Atticus Grumpletoy, 71, owner of The Hoot & Holler Cattle Ranch located on the Kentucky-Illinois border recently stated that he has been feeding his 2,000 head of cattle candy corn since the first week in August.

Grumpletoy said that since the price of corn skyrocketed he had to find a feed alternative for his herd or else he would have to sell off everyone of his cattle.

After sitting down with his wife, Brixie Belle, 67, who has won numerous local cook-offs, he decided to start feeding his cows candy corn. At first he thought about giving them M&Ms but that proved to be too expensive.

Milk Duds were also rejected because the cows got them stuck in their teeth and plus they looked silly with chocolate lips and actually had a hard time mooing.

He then came upon the idea of giving his cattle candy corn. He noted that right away he could see that the cows loved the candy corn. He said in 29 years of raising cattle that he had never seen a happier bunch of bovines.

Mrs. Grumpletoy explained that the cows became happier and quite contented and even became more loving towards the bulls.

She said that the only negative side effect was that they also became a bit hyper and they would literally run all over the pasture jumping around as if they were kangaroos.

Atticus pointed out that his main concern was that the happy-as-hell cows would accidentally hurt each other with those big old hooves.

SIDENOTE: Grumpletoy revealed that he actually mixes the candy-corn with an ethanol ingredient along with small amounts of Diet Dr. Pepper and Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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