Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 29 May 2012

image for Surrealism is the new realism
Any article about surrealism requires a picture of a fish; it is an old charter, a by-law or something.

They say there are three kinds of people. They also say there are five kinds of people, two kinds of people, ten kinds of people and pi kinds of people; there are actually seven billion kinds of people. The latest output from the bakery attached to the Houses of Parliament, has suggested that there are not three kinds of people, but four.

"We used to think that there were three kinds of people," said Sir Tain. "We know now there are four. There are realists, pessimists, optimists and surrealists. It turns out, surrealists see the world the clearest."

According to Tain, the four types have now been scientifically categorised and explained, which allows psychologists to sell pills to cure them.

"Realists believe that what they believe is accurate, but generally, they are pessimists," said Tain. "Optimists believe that everything that they believe is accurate, but is sadly lacking in most of the information that they need to be realists. Pessimists believe everything that they believe is accurate, but they have far too much information."

This means that none of the traditional three categories actually see the world as it is, not even realists.

"Surrealists," said Tain, "on the other hand, they believe that everything they believe is complete bollocks. Which it is."

David Beckham, a famous optimist, was asked his opinion on surrealism.

"I think he was brilliant as Gandalf," said Beckham. "Didn't really like him X Men though. Was he Fumbledoor?"

The discovery that only surrealists see the world for what it really is, has led for some to call for Salvador Dali to be given more recognition, and for Noel Fielding to be knighted. Something Fielding would enjoy.

"I'd love to be knighted," he said. "I've been dayed already. If I got nighted, I'd changed my name by deed poll to Realism, so I could be Sir Realism. Then I'd put a coat hanger in a beetle and let the matchsticks fly."

Having heard Beckham and Fielding's responses to the study, Sir Tain has changed his thoughts.

"If surrealism is the way the world actually is," he said. "Then the world's gone mad."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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